If You Think You’re Healed, Visit Your Family…

Lovely ladies of my family from my recent visit to Toronto

Self-Actualization Starts at Home

We’re all chasing self-actualization these days, including me especially as a self-development coach, business operator and co-founder. I am always thinking how can I be a better person, better leader, manager, sister, friend. And this is definitely on-trend right now. From the growing retreat culture, the rise of the 10 step morning routine, productivity hacks, mindfulness apps—we’re optimizing, evolving, thriving (or trying to). But here’s a question we don’t ask enough: What about our biggest triggers? You know, the ones who raised us. The ones we live with or we married. The ones you birthed or grew up beside. What about our parents, our siblings or your children? 

If you really want to know how evolved you are, don’t look at how calm you stay in a Zoom meeting, with your colleagues and partners or with friends you do not agree with. Look at how you react when your mother makes that one comment. Or when your husband makes that joke that you realize actually reminds you of how unworthy you fear you might actually be (Side note: That’s on us to heal, not on him!).

Those triggers—those are the everyday lessons. They are the arenas where you go through the most. It’s what your soul chose (in my life thesis) to understand, heal, and grow through in this lifetime. It’s definitely not the silent retreat in Bali. It’s your kitchen. Your living room. Your group chat. That family trip home during summer, or that Christmas dinner where all your triggers run wild. I relived all of this when I went back to Toronto to visit my family, and it reminded me not only of how much I’ve already grown, but also of how much growing I still have to do—and that’s okay.

Why Family Time Is Its Own Kind of Masterclass

Spending time with family isn’t always cozy or cute. My trip was genuinely so lovely, and it was nice to spend time with everyone in Toronto because I miss them so much! It is truly a treat how much my family supports each other and genuinely loves to be together. BUT we are all different, we have varying needs, triggers, and anxieties. AND even though family time is seen as nostalgic, happy and positive and it can be in many moments - that’s not everyone’s situation! PLUS even in my family its often actually really chaotic - we are a blended family of 5 kids, two parents plus grandparents, pets and more when family comes to visit! It’s literally like herding cats from place to place sometimes. 

More importantly though, family time is really revealing. Its a mirror. And it’s weirdly repetitive. It pulls you back into patterns you thought you outgrew and makes you dislike yourself and question yourself. Suddenly you’re 14 again, being super grumpy because you cannot control the time you have to spend talking to one of your neighbours, or  you are unhappy because someone criticized your life choices even though on a regular day, with any other person this would not bother you.

And yet—this is where the good growth stuff is. Family time, especially my recent experience in Toronto showed me where I am still reactive (hello biggest triggers), still tender, still carrying things that don’t belong to me anymore. This experience is genuinely shining a light on whats stopping us from our own growth. It shows us what we’ve actually internalized from our upbringing and what has become part of our subconscious, part of our protective mechanisms and actually what we’re trying to prove out there in the world.

You might realize you always rush to fix things, or feel like you need to gain control of most siuations, by planning, organizing and timing everything because you had no control growing up. Or that you still shrink or get anxiety when someone raises their voice because you have been hiding from those arguments and fights with family from childhood. Or that you’re carrying your mom’s stress and worry from growing up alongside her as she struggled while being a single mom. I definitely notice that my nervous system gets triggered by the memories of what it was like to be “surviving” as a child and not have control over my own life. Even though I grew up and out of it and I am so proud of how far I and we as a family have come there are still things that remain a trigger.

It’s Not a Bad Thing to Be Triggered

It’s tempting to think being triggered means you’re stepping back into your old self. That you’ve failed at all your “inner work.” But what if being triggered just means you’ve found your growth edge?

These reactions aren’t random—I actually see them as massive opportunities. Even consider it an invitation. Its an invitation to pause, to notice and not to run through to the next thing but actually become self-aware of how this is not serving you anymore. Then to respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness and to rewrite the script of that scenario and yourself.

And unlike a workplace setting where you can stay polished and professional, family time is where the filters come off. There’s a kind of emotional x-ray that happens with family. You can’t fake your way through it, because even when you try your hardest sometimes something inside just snaps. But you can learn from it.

Side note: Not every family member or family meetup is going to trigger you to this extreme but in my view the intensity of your childhood experiences, traumas and unhealed parts is what makes the triggers more extreme.

Family as a Mirror (Whether You Like the Reflection or Not)

Our family systems are the first place we learn who we are—and sometimes, who we’re allowed to be. Those roles stick, unfortunately, and it’s up to us to take off the masks and undo these expectations. I remember, I was the one that needed to be “the achiever.” But I decided I was actually going to be “the rebel.” And because of years of rebelliousness and “drama” from my side, I felt I was the one who needed to do more to show my love, because the feeling of guilt for my childhood and rough teenage years (yes, I truly was THAT rebel—drinking and drugs, running away from home, school problems, and more) was causing my family so much pain. UNTIL I realized that I was doing that because I had my own unprocessed traumas, feelings I did not know how to deal with, and a family that wanted to help but was prioritizing survival and wasn’t equipped to deal with my pain. Even decades later, though, after processing, forgiving myself, and reframing my experiences (I am a self-development coach, after all), I can still step right back into that guilt, those expectations, those feelings—without even realizing.

But here’s the twist: awareness gives us choice. When you see the role you’re playing, you can also decide to shift it. You don’t have to be whatever it is you dont want to be. You ACTUALLY have a choice. Nothing is forever. You don’t have to shut down, yell, get triggered, feel inadequate, feel sad. You don’t have to overfunction just to keep the peace. You can become your highest self and act from your highest self right now.

What Needs Healing Will Show Up at Home First

We tend to think healing is about adding something: more insight, more tools, more books. Which are also all great resources. But often, I always say, its just about noticing what’s already happening. That moment you want to snap at someone just take a breath instead. That moment you slide passed the potential trigger of a meltdown without having it. That moment you hear your sister’s old wound in her criticism—and don’t take it personally. That’s the real healing.

Healing can be messy and small and unnoticed. It can look like setting a boundary or saying, "Actually, that really hurt my feelings can you avoid that kind of thing because its not fair to me”. It can also look like cracking a joke instead of shutting down or just having an open discussion (if your family is open to it) about things that are being triggered around them. Vulnerability brings us closer. Even with our families. We all did go through things together and these are the people who know you deeply and love you (mostly) unconditionally. Ask yourself: Is there an opportunity to connect? To share with them something that’s on your heart and in your mind? Can you get closer or at least keep the peace within yourself'?

Let’s be honest: families aren’t perfect. Some are loving but challenging. Others are distant or even harmful. Healing doesn’t mean you have to keep everyone close. Sometimes, healing is just a boundary. Sometimes it’s space. But if you do have the chance to be around family—even if it’s complicated—there’s usually something to learn and something to enjoy. It’s still an invitation.

You don’t have to be the enlightened one. You don’t have to fix anything in your environment. But you can notice what gets activated in you—and decide what to do with it.

The Real Growth Isn’t Always Pretty

Basically in my world view everything is self- growth, but I want to invite you to forget the filtered version of self-growth that we all strive towards (journals, retreats and meditative walks). The real stuff is genuinely you letting your family, friends, husband and colleagues, be themselves, even if it drives you up the wall. It’s seeing the people aronud you mirror your worst habits to you—and instead of spiraling, taking a deep breath and showing up differently.

This is where growth is actually the most valuable learning experience.

So, want to know how you are really doing?

Don’t look at your wellness tracker. Look at your next family gathering.

Notice who you become. Notice what still gets under your skin. Notice what’s softened, and what still needs work. Because at the end of the day, your biggest lessons might not come from books, retreats, or coaches. They might come from the person sitting across the table, asking if you’re really not coming home for Christmas—and the guilt you feel, and then have to process, will teach you something deeper. As much as you love every one of them, you have to ask yourself: who is the person you need to answer to every single day? Who will be with you through thick and thin (because you are far away from your family for example)? If it isn’t clear enough, that person is YOU.

So remember: this journey is about you. Everyone else is a clue, a sign, a companion on the path—but the one who needs that growth more than anyone else is you.

And honestly? That might be the most transformative realization of all.